


The Cold Shoulder

by MissytheAngle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Between Episodes, Emotional Baggage, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Not Beta Read, post Alone at Sea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 16:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissytheAngle/pseuds/MissytheAngle
Summary: Peridot and Lapis's roommate arrangement has thus far been harmless and going well. Peridot certainly saw it that way.After Lapis returns from a day hanging out with Steven, however, Peridot comes to the realization that as they wasted their days watching silly television shows, they've had yet to do one thing, one important thing: talking.Set not too far after "Alone at Sea" ended.





	The Cold Shoulder

**Author's Note:**

> I've been holding off posting this for... way too long. I guess I worried people wouldn't like how I write Lapis. Well, this is how I write her. (Spoiler: she ain't a cinnamon roll, but dang it, I still care about her, peeps). Just BEAR WITH ME!!

A lonesome quiet echoed through the barn for most of the day, save for Peridot as she tapped away at her tablet. Then wings flapped through the air. Footsteps padded across the barn, and the silence returned with a vengeance. 

Peridot placed her tablet on the ground and glanced down to see her roommate, who had her back turned to Peridot. Lapis Lazuli stared out the door, her skirt caught in the light breeze that sneaked into the bark. Her teardrop gem glistened as the sky crackled with lightning.

"Oh, Lapis!" Peridot jumped up and picked a paper off of the floor. She made her way down to the bottom floor and to the other side of the barn. Lapis stayed ominously still, so Peridot persisted. "I'm glad that you're back. I'm sure your trip with Steven was a nice change of pace."

Lapis stayed quiet. Peridot hesitated, but guessed that Lapis simply failed to hear her. Peridot held the paper up, showing a drawn picture of herself and Lapis sitting together while surrounded by lightning bugs. "I decided to do something a little different while you were gone. You came back much earlier than I expected, so—"

Lapis turned, and Peridot's mouth fell shut. However, rather than look at Peridot or reply, Lapis walked to the hammock strung around wooden supports. She collapsed into it, the hammock swinging lazily side-to-side.

Peridot tilted her head. "Uh... is everything alright?" 

Lapis's fingers rubbed through her hair. A lone sigh was her response. 

Gulping, Peridot walked to the hammock, staring at Lapis's back. "Well, uh, you see, I was starting to work on this new meep morp of you and I. This is technically my first paper drawing, so I was wondering if—"

"Can you just... leave me alone?" Lapis interrupted in a whisper.

Peridot frowned. "Well, I just noticed a few days earlier that you really liked that one episode of Camp Pining Hearts where Paulette learned that Percy actually makes good paper drawings, despite him being afraid of showing off his talent to the rest of the camp and—"

"I don't need you to tell me what happened. I was there. I saw it," said Lapis.

"Fair point, but I figured since you liked it—"

"Except I didn't. The ending sucked." Lapis spun around, eyebrow slanted. "He just forgave Paulette for taking his art and putting it in the main hall, all because everyone else was impressed. Even though she was being  _ awful  _ and taking what wasn't hers." Her expression softened, although a storm brewed in her eyes. "It shouldn't be that easy." 

Peridot stared at her. "Are you sure you're okay?" 

Lapis didn't say anything for a good, long minute, which told Peridot more than words would. "I'm tired. I'm going to try and fall asleep," Lapis finally said, turning back around.

"I didn't know you sleep."

"Steven talked to me about it a few days ago. When he was sleeping over. It sounded weird—you just stop moving, stop thinking and just aren't  _ here,  _ but... it doesn't sound too bad right now." 

Peridot smiled. "Perhaps we can try it together. I always found it to be a waste of time unless gems require the recharge, but I suppose it can't hurt to try."

Lapis let out a sigh. "I... I need to go," she said, standing up. 

_ Oh, stars, not again!  _ Peridot knew where she was going, and hadn't seen her do this for quite some time. Lapis did not run off as often as when they first lived in the barn together. They were doing so much better! And Peridot did  _ not  _ want to go back to those first few days. 

"Hey, wait!" Her arms reached out, just barely ghosting over Lapis's arm. 

Lapis whipped around, her lips curled back. "Don't  _ touch  _ me," she said, her voice cracking. 

Peridot stepped back. They stood there, staring at one another in a contest to see who would break the silence first. Lightning cracked from outside, and the rain pounded on the barn roof. Finally, Lapis turned her head with a sigh, her hair shielding her expression. "You could make this easier for me." 

"What? I'm just trying to be a good roommate!" Peridot said, shocked. 

"It'd be better for both of us if you didn't." 

Peridot grimaced, frustration creeping in and threatening to replace any leftover patience she had for Lapis Lazuli. "Or maybe you could start trying more! I'm trying to be nice and friendly—how roommates should be—and you're being... weird again!" 

"Weird?" Lapis asked, sounding offended. 

Peridot flinched, catching her words too late. "I just... I just liked when we started hanging out more. You know, like friends." 

Lapis said nothing. 

"I thought we were making progress in our friendship," said Peridot, shaking her head. "We spent that one night looking at those light bugs. You said it was nice. Were you lying?"

Peridot waited for a response. She again received none in return, with Lapis just tilting her head down. 

"Were you?" Peridot repeated, her tone lowering. 

"No, I wasn't!" Lapis snapped, yet her voice was still fragile. "Geez, can you just let it go?" 

"Then can you at least talk to me?" Peridot stepped closer without realizing. "I mean, did I do something wrong?" 

"You don't understand," Lapis muttered under her breath. Her hands tightened into tense fists. 

"Haven't I proven that I'm better than the last time we met? That I'm not the bad guy here?" Peridot gestured to herself, leaning close to the hammock and seeing Lapis's vulnerable expression, the tired look in her eyes. "What more could I possibly do to show that?" 

"Just... stop," said Lapis, teeth showing. "Please." 

"If something's upsetting you, you can tell me. It can't be that bad, ri—" Slowly, Peridot again reached out, her hand brushing over Lapis's arm. 

Lapis's entire body tensed, then shuddered. Her expression turned blank, only to rapidly shift into something terrified and desperate. "Don't do that! Just... don't!" She ripped her arm from Peridot's grasp. She stammered before screaming, "Just do yourself a favor and go  **away** !" 

Lapis threw her arms to her sides. The rain just outside the doorway skidded to a stop and stormed into the room, like an army at Lapis's command. Peridot looked over and yelped. She froze in place, but raindrops missed her by a few inches. Together, the raindrops made a dent against the weak barn walls and sloshed onto the floor. The large amount of water just barely touched Peridot's feet. 

Peridot's hands balled up, and her posture straightened as she whirled back. "Are you trying to hurt me on purpose or something? What the heck was that for?!" she yelled, agitated and unable to hold back the panic that ran through her body. "What is wrong with you?" 

Lapis's hardened expression melted into shock as she stared down at her hands. The exhaustion in her eyes was more visible. No longer on edge, Peridot noticed the way Lapis looked down at herself, now that she wasn't focused on Peridot.

Peridot's fingers uncurled. "Uh, Lapis?" 

Lapis's eyes darted to Peridot, and she looked panic-stricken. Lapis stepped out fully from the hammock, letting it stand between them. It swayed violently, and the longer they stood there, it began to slow down to a mere creak. Lapis stepped away with light steps padding across the floor. It still sounded so loud as they stood there, both unable to speak up first. 

"Lapis!" Peridot shouted, as if yelling would catch Lapis's attention, which was clearly elsewhere. "Look, we just need to talk about this! That's how this should work."

Shutting her eyes, Lapis let out what sounded like a pain-filled grunt. Her grand water wings spread out from within her gem, and she slipped through the door and into the dark sky. 

"Wait, wait!" Peridot stuttered and ran out of the barn, her crumpled drawing slipping from her fingers. 

Once outside, she searched around the barn, shielding her eyes from the rain, which had lessened. The sky was darker—it was nighttime already. She even checked the tip of the silo in the distance. No one was there. Peridot began to panic. Had Lapis just run off, far away where the gems couldn't find her? Peridot kicked the ground, grumbling to herself in disappointment.  

Even if yelling at Lapis did feel like stress had been lifted off of her shoulders, Peridot did not want it to go like that. 

Then she walked around the barn and looked up. Lapis sat at the edge of the roof, her head dipped down and drenched. 

Peridot hesitated, wondering if leaving Lapis alone would be best. Some nights Lapis would sit around the barn, only to escape to the tip of the silo to escape company. Despite some nights where Peridot called out for Lapis, she would otherwise let the powerful gem be. 

The roof of the barn, however, was a first. And seeing Lapis looking so distressed as rain cascaded down on them made Peridot's decision clear. 

Peridot found a nearby trash can and pulled the lid off. Standing on the metal lid, she elevated herself to the roof of the barn, albeit shakily. She sputtered whilst struggling to keep her balance, until she reached the top and jumped off with relief. 

"Stupid clodding metal powers!" Peridot hissed through her teeth as she clung to the hinges for dear life. She grunted and kicked her feet in a struggling to fully sit on the roof.

Lapis barely acknowledged Peridot's presence. Her hair moved slightly through the cold air as her empty gaze looked down at Peridot. 

Once Peridot gained her footing, she stood up, dusting herself off, and peered down at Lapis. "Uh, hi."

"... Hi." 

"To be honest, I just wanted to show you my new paper drawing. I didn't realize it would upset you  _ that  _ much." 

"Of course you didn't," said Lapis, not meeting Peridot's gaze. Her hands were balled into fists, pressed into her skirt. She let out a hollow laugh. "Peridots are supposed to be smart, yet everything seems to fly over your head." 

Peridot's eye twitched. “Maybe I could better understand you if you  _ told  _ me why I upset you. You know, as opposed to running away all the time.” She crossed her arms.

Lapis buried her face into her knees. “Grr, why won’t you just leave me alone?” she asked with a hint of upset breaking her voice. “Especially after what just happened.”

"It’s just that, you know, I understand that talking about problems helps improve one’s mood.”

“No, it won’t,” said Lapis with unwavering conviction.

“It couldn’t hurt to try.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

Peridot looked at her feet, trying to think of what to say next. Nothing came. Her voice was lost. Lapis did not further acknowledge her; she simply sat there, burying herself in her arms.

So Peridot sat down at the edge beside her, inching herself away just a bit when Lapis startled. Peridot’s feet dangled from the edge, and she looked down at the distance between herself and the ground. For a moment, Peridot waited for Lapis to surprise her by saying that she  _ did  _ want to talk, that she was only holding back for... some reason, and make this all easier for Peridot.

Peridot waited and looked up at the sky. The clouds were beginning to separate, revealing stars behind the gray curtains.

When an idea struck, her face lit up and her eyes shifted back to Lapis. “Are you familiar with constellations?"

Nothing.

“Well,” Peridot said, “if I remember correctly, humans give constellations names based off of these beings who they say could exist but really don’t. It’s weird, but actually fairly fascinating. I have yet to actually find out all about them, so I decided to make up my own. I can introduce you to some, if you’d like.”

Again, Lapis was quiet. Peridot groaned, shoulders sulking, and she closed her mouth.

Minutes passed. The silence was painful and drove Peridot mad. The way Lapis balled herself up confused her; Lapis was hanging out with Steven, someone whom Lapis liked over just about everyone else. Peridot expected Lapis to return a bit more cheerful, possibly enough to join her in watching another episode of Camp Pining Hearts.

Questions roamed through her head, and she wasn’t getting answers!

When one question came out of her mouth at last, however, her desperation faltered. “What… happened?”

“Why do you even care?” Lapis’s voice was sharp, much like the glare she gave Peridot.

“Because we’re roommates!” Peridot exclaimed. “We should be able to get along, talk about things. We’ve been getting along great the past few weeks! But now…” Peridot’s face fell. “It’s like it wasn’t important. You seem… different.” After a moment to think, she relented on expressing a lingering thought. “And you almost attacked me. There has to be something wrong, and I can’t really just forget that.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Lapis replied, and Peridot only noticed now that her body was shaking. “I really didn’t.”

“Well, I believe you, but I don’t want to just… ignore this!” Peridot said.

“Doesn’t sound like a bad idea to me.”

“It is to me!”

She recalled all those nights where Lapis escaped to the silo, leaving Peridot to herself. Those were the first few nights they roomed together, where Peridot felt like she did not have a roommate at all. Days later, Peridot had tried to talk to Lapis, and it almost worked, with Lapis continuing the conversation. But more often than not, as if Peridot said the wrong thing, Lapis would shut down and followed with the same cycle of hiding away. Somewhere along the way, those days and nights occurred less and less.

“I’ve done some awful things,” said Lapis, with a warning gaze directed toward her roommate. “You really don’t want to know.”

Peridot thought over this for a moment, and shrugged. “Considering I’ve tried to capture and destroy the Crystal Gems multiple times, trust me, it’s just something you come to accept. Now I don’t do that anymore! Now look at me! I’m now part of the team I was trying to destroy.” She jumped up with a new surge of excitement sparking through her body.

“You have no idea.”

“Try me.” Peridot smirk. 

Lapis cringed. “Seriously. I’d rather not.”

“Uh… please?” Peridot asked hesitantly, struggling to manage with the right tone. Something about Lapis’s narrowed eyebrows told her she failed, which caused her to groan. “How bad can it be?”

“Gah, no, you just don’t  _ get  _ it.”

“What don’t I get?”

Lapis’s reply was barely above a murmur, something Peridot could not decipher.

“Um… what was that?”

“I’m tired of hurting people!” 

Peridot recoiled. She struggled to say anything at first, with something caught in her throat.  “What?” she said. 

“I’m so tired of it. And the worst part is…” Lapis let the sentence trail, her fingers stroking one side of her face. “Did Steven ever tell you about… about Malachite?”

“Well...” Peridot stumbled with her words. As she recalled the basics of what Steven told her about, the more of what Lapis said sank in, and she avoided Lapis’s gaze. “He said you trapped Jasper in a fusion.”

Lapis nodded, a slow and tired nod. “I did, and it was awful. It lasted for so long, because I-I didn’t want to let go. When trapping Jasper, I didn’t realize what it would do to me. I felt terrible for what I did; I hated her, I hated me, I hated  _ us. _ ” Her voice trembled, clutching her head. “And it… it was too much. I regret every second I made both of us miserable.”

Peridot just nodded, her mouth dry and unable to form words. An unsettling feeling descended through her body.  

“But I liked it.” A dark shadow fell over Lapis’s face as she peered down at her hands. They curled, just a little, before becoming two aggressive fists. “I… liked having control and no longer feeling like some sort of  _ prisoner _ .” She stuttered at ‘prisoner,’ like it brought back nightmarish visions. “I just needed to feel like I had some control in my own life, after so long of feeling trapped and alone. E-even if it meant bringing others down with me.”

Peridot’s face fell. Lapis’s voice was drenched in a flurry of emotions—not one prevailed. Peridot looked away, unsure in how to respond. It was probably for the best, because Lapis continued.

“I even almost hurt Steven once!” Lapis laughed bitterly, which caused Peridot to lean back. “Did he ever tell you that? He and the others, they were trying to… trying to stop me from going back h-home! To Homeworld! I stole the entire ocean because I had no other choice. I fought them all, and could’ve won, too.

“And you know what he did? What he did after all I did to him and his friends?” She turned to Peridot. Her eyes, wide and wild, were washed over with stress. “He helped me! He helped me get back to Homeworld! After everything I did.” She sounded... angry, but Peridot wasn't sure who it was directed at. 

“That’s because he  _ wanted  _ to,” Peridot added, not needing to know the details of what happened to know why Steven helped her. However, she couldn’t hide the shudder that crawled up her form. “That’s just Steven being Steven. If he could forgive me for constantly trying to defeat him and the Crystal Gems, then I’m certain he’d be willing to help you in your situation.”

Lapis smiled briefly, a small light in the grayness of the sky. “I know.” She paused, and it faded. She bowed her head back down, and her tone quieted as she finished, “Everyone I let someone get close to me… gyuh, they only get hurt in the end—by me!” Lapis emphasized this by poking a finger directly against her chest. Her hand fell, anger simmering as she added, “Even you.”

“That? That was an accident… wasn’t it?” Peridot asked.

“Yes!” Lapis cried out with desperation that only made Peridot even more uncertain.

“You don’t  _ want  _ to hurt me, do you?” Peridot asked, fighting to hold back the fear gripping at her, the part of her that worried if this was true or not. The realization that she knew very little of her roommate smacked her right in the stomach only now.

Lapis said nothing for a second, but because of that, it was as if the second lasted  _ forever.  _ Peridot placed her hands on her chest. Then, to Peridot’s relief, Lapis shook her head, quick but nonetheless a reply.

“Then that’s good!” Peridot replied, forcing a small smile. “We can start from there.”

“Good? What if I do something… awful? What if I actually hit you with that water,  _ just  _ because you were being annoying,” Lapis said. She sighed, digging her fingers into her bangs. “I didn’t want to… but I couldn’t help it. I really am just awful.”

“If you were awful, you wouldn’t feel that way. That has to mean something.” The tension in Peridot’s body began to lessen.

Lapis looked away, eyes lost elsewhere. “I feel like if I could start everything over, knowing what I know now, I’d do it all right this time.” She paused, a hand on her chin as if pondering. “But other times, I think…” She shook her head. “No, I wouldn’t.”

Peridot blinked.

“I wouldn’t hurt anyone, or I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, but I know I’d still do it again. Part of me knows that. I wish I could forget it, all of it, but I can’t. It’ll always be part of me. If I could end this terrible cycle—” For the first time that night, she looked at Peridot, truly looked at her with a genuine gaze, “I would, but I don’t know how.”

Peridot turned her head, staring down at the ground feet below. “Did… you ever tell Steven this?”

Lapis shook her head. “I couldn’t… well, I tried. But I don’t think he believed I would do any of the things I did. I broke his dad’s leg, I tried to steal the ocean, what I did to Jasper—but he still  _ believes  _ in me.” She played with her hands. “I don’t think he realizes what I’m capable of. I want to tell him that, but… that’ll only disappoint him. I can’t disappoint Steven.” She gave a smile that did not seem sincere or warm, but rather sad. “He’s the one good thing about this place.”

“Hey, I’m here too!” Peridot said without thinking over her words.

Lapis glared at her. 

“But it’s true! You don’t have to be alone with all of… this.” Unable to clarify what she meant, she waved her arms vaguely toward Lapis. “At least Steven is there for you, and hey, so can I.”

“I don’t want someone to just  _ be there  _ for me!” Lapis shouted, throwing her arms out. Peridot jumped back, making Lapis lower her arms with dark glint in her eyes. “I don’t know what I want. I guess… I guess I want to be better.”

The air was cold, and the night was so dark now. Peridot wrapped her arms around herself. 

“But I don’t know how,” Lapis repeated, eyes watching over the near full moon hovering above them. It shone over the both of them with a pale glow.   

Peridot was stunned into silence for a whole minute, one where she tried to find the right words as she scrambled through her mind. Stars, her mind was still scrambling just to take in what Lapis said. Part of her wanted to run away, but another side of her knew that that was just… wrong. She looked down at the balled up gem sitting atop the barn roof beside her.

Small comforting words came to mind, but they were too weak and meant nothing. “It’s okay” “It’ll be okay” “everything’s fine.” They were nice, certainly, but were any true? No, no, and she refused to lie or sugarcoat. That just wasn’t Peridot.

With a gulp, she said, “I want to believe in you.”

Lapis’s head spun around to look up at Peridot. “Believe in  _ me?  _ What, are you crazy?”

“Not as crazy as Steven, I suppose.”

Lapis scoffed. “You’re joking, right?”

“Somewhat, but what I’m saying is still not entirely wrong.”

“I…” The crazed look in Lapis’s eyes calmed. She looked exhausted, but also weary. She grimaced. “Why? Why would you trust me?”

“I want to,” Peridot corrected, hands held close to her chest. “Which is different. If we want to make this whole roommate thing work, then we have to settle some things. Perhaps open up to each other more! And be more honest.” She hesitated. “Aaaand perhaps not try to hurt one another, too.” She forced an awkward, hopefully amusing grin.

Lapis stared, observant eyes watching over Peridot. Then her gaze fell at Peridot’s feet but also at nothing. Her eyebrows knitted down. “That’s not exactly easy. You know that, right?”  

“Then we’ll work on it.” Peridot shrugged. “Like us trying to live in this barn together. We can work on  _ this  _ together.” She gestured between the two of them. “We need to better understand one another to actually live together, given the circumstances.”

“You really think that’s a good idea?”

“Probably one of my better ones,” Peridot said, smirking.

Lapis blinked. Slowly, her head dipped to look at her hands. They curled up but then relaxed. She brushed her fingers against her skirt.

“Okay.” She looked back at Peridot. “I’ll try.”

Peridot nodded.

They sat there for a few moments, which passed and turned into a full minute of silence. Peridot awkwardly looked around, wondering if there was something to do afterward. Did they hug, or… no, something told Peridot that the last thing Lapis wanted was  _ physical contact. _

Lapis stared at her, but said nothing.

Peridot gave her an awkward smile. “I, um, I’ll just leave you be, then.” She spun around to elevate back to the ground.

Before she could reach the other side of the barn, a gentle voice stopped her.

“Hey.”

Peridot turned around. Lapis brushed her fingers through her bangs, which partly shielding her eyes. “Look. Can you at least stay here?” she asked, her gaze averting from Peridot. “Maybe you can tell me about those constellations you mentioned.”

“Umm… yeah.”

Peridot sat down again, her feet kicking midair. Lapis didn’t say anything, but Peridot swore that she saw a tiny smile at the edge of her lips.  A sincere smile that lit up Lapis’s face. Peridot smiled lightly, point up at the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are reading this and remember when this had 3 chapters/was a continuing story and wasn't a one shot, I'll explain here:
> 
> I wrote those other chapters with a story in mind regarding Lapis's character development. Before "raising the Barn" I had expected Lapis's development to be off screen, as well as her relationship with Peridot. That's the idea I had in mind for this story, and where the first chapter came from. I then went on to expand on this, hoping to toss in some introspection and internal conflict highlighting Lapis's strengths and flaws. She'd have her ups and downs, but she'd be trying and growing closer to Peridot and Earth. 
> 
> Then "Raising the Barn" happened, and my whole world shifted. Like, seriously, that screwed me up badly. 
> 
> Suddenly, those lighthearted moments we wanted to imagine happened offscreen... very likely didn't. And if they did, they were far and few in between. Lapis did not grow as a character at all, at best showing some care for Peridot but very little towards Earth. Which is the point, but also why I couldn't bring myself to write this story anymore. Because it felt... wrong? I don't know, I just didn't want to write a canon-like story where Lapis and Peridot (who now canonically have a very unhealthy/toxic relationship) are buddy-buddy and getting along, when it might as well be an AU story. If that were the case, I'd make an entirely different story outside of canon. My story was now just somewhere on neither side, and it reaaaaally bugged me for reasons I can't really explain with words. 
> 
> I am NOT someone who deletes chapters/stories willy-nilly. This is a very rare occurrence, and likely will not happen again
> 
> I still have the docs for the chapters, and if I one day wish to explore those again and write up a full, canon divergent story, I shall. But I don't think that belongs here. The very best of this story is in the first chapter. I'm sorry if you like the other two chapters at all, and were hoping for more.


End file.
